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How many times have you been in conversations with friends, family members and loved ones and completely tuned out to what they are saying? Though this happens to everyone from time to time, it’s important for each of us to think about how often this occurs in our daily lives. How much attention do we give to the people who we consider important to us?
According to research cited by Wright State University, while most people believe they are good listeners who don’t need to improve their listening skills, the average person listens at only about 25 percent efficiency. The article goes on to state, “Research has found that by listening effectively, you will get more information from the people you manage, you will increase others’ trust in you, you will reduce conflict, you will better understand how to motivate others, and you will inspire a higher level of commitment in the people you manage.”
So why aren’t we better listeners? For one thing, as a society we may be growing more narcissistic. A recent University of California, Los Angeles study showed that the language we use (our popular word choices) may reflect that we are a more self-centered culture. A 2007 study further found that there is a rise in self-centeredness and narcissism among college students. If we, as a culture, are becoming more self-centered, how can we, as individuals, work to become more caring and compassionate communicators?
First, we can change our attitude toward conversation. As Stephen R. Covey wrote in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” A dialogue is an opportunity to learn, to see things from a new perspective, to open your eyes to new information and possibilities. Yet, too often we engage in conversation as if it’s a debate. We speak to hear our own voices – our own preexisting opinions articulately announced. In doing so, we tend to space out when spoken to. We wait, perhaps even patiently or politely, for the other person to finish, so we can say something we feel is of value.
It’s important not to take an imperialistic attitude toward our opinions. We should adopt the belief that what another person has to teach us can be just as valuable and worthwhile as what we have to say to them, often more so. Even when this doesn’t prove to be the case, there is little damage done. We lose a lot more in filtering out the many wise and meaningful words of friends and colleagues than we do listening to a few opinions that we don’t wind up finding of particular significance.
Playwright Wilson Mizner said, “A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.” Listening doesn’t just expand our knowledge on an intellectual level; it enables us to have a more personal, in-depth understanding of our closest friends. Relationships are truly enriched by an equal back-and-forth in communication. When these dynamics become more one-sided, we tend to lose interest and create distance in our friendships. There is less trust established, less honesty exchanged.
We can all improve our listening skills. We can start by being open to the fact that maybe we aren’t as good a listener as we once thought. Do we tend to focus too much on ourselves – both in positive and negative ways? Do we get distracted by an inner coach, looking over our shoulder and commenting on our interactions, rather than living in the moment and really engaging in what’s being said? As we start to explore this issue, we are likely to gain a lot of insight into what distracts us from listening to those around us. As we learn to quiet that inner voice in our minds, we can start to open ourselves up to others, becoming better listeners, thinkers, lovers and friends.
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Tags: communication, couple communication, intimacy, listening, self-understanding
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Poor listeners “hear” what’s being said, but they don’t “listen.”
For many of us, listening is the communication skill we use the most. Yet, many people listen poorly, and they rarely think to improve this important skill.
Poor listeners “hear” what’s being said, but they rarely “listen” to the whole message.
They get distracted by their own thoughts or by what’s going on around them, and they formulate their responses before the person who they’re talking to has finished speaking. Because of this, they miss crucial information.
Good listeners, on the other hand, enjoy better relationships, because they fully understand what other people are saying. Their team members are also more productive, because they feel that they can discuss problems easily, and talk through solutions.
So, how good do you think your listening skills are? Test them below, and then find out how you can improve.
Instructions
Evaluate each statement as you actually are, rather than as you think you should be. When you’ve finished, click “Calculate My Total” to add up your score, and use the table that follows to think about next steps.
(Questions 1, 3, 14)
Your score is 0 out of 0
Good preparation is essential for effective listening. Without it, it’s hard to listen to people successfully.
Before you have an important conversation, remove anything that may distract you, so that you can focus and give the other person your full attention. Switch off your cell phone, turn off instant messaging and email alerts, put your work away, close your meeting room door, and do what you can to make sure that you won’t be interrupted.
If you know that you won’t be able to offer the other person your full attention – for example, if you’re working on an urgent task – schedule a better time to speak. However, make sure that the other person knows that the conversation is important to you.
Also, do what you can to make the other person feel at ease. Use open body toàn thân language, and a friendly tone.
If he indicates that he wants to speak about a sensitive subject, and if this is appropriate, remind him that the conversation is in confidential, and that he can be honest with you. (If you’re a manager, there may be some things, however, that you cannot keep confidential, harassment, for instance, or negligent behavior. If your conversation is beginning to encroach on these, make this clear to the other person.)
(Questions 5, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
Your score is 0 out of 0
When you listen actively, you not only make a conscious effort to hear the other person’s words, but, more importantly, you try to understand their whole message.
To do this, learn how to read people’s body toàn thân language and tone, so that you can identify “hidden” nonverbal messages.
Also, don’t interrupt people,or allow yourself to become distracted by your own thoughts or opinions. Instead, focus completely on what the other person is saying. Nod or say “OK” occasionally to acknowledge that you’re listening.
If you don’t understand something, wait for the other person to finish what she’s saying before you ask for clarification.
Above all, don’t formulate a response until she has communicated her whole message, and avoid any judgment or criticism until it’s your turn to speak. If you argue or “play devil’s advocate” while you listen, you may discourage her from opening up to you.
It can be difficult not to formulate a response while the other person is talking. This is because we typically think much faster than other people can speak, so our brains are often “whirring away” while they are talking. You’ll need to concentrate hard to stay focused on the person who’s speaking, and this can take a lot of effort.
(Questions 2, 4, 6, 13)
Your score is 0 out of 0
When you demonstrate empathy, you recognize other people’s emotions, and you do what you can to understand their perspectives. As such, it can really help to take active listening to the next level.
To listen empathically, put yourself “in the other person’s shoes,” and try to see things from his point of view. Then, summarize what he says, in your own words, to show him that you understand his perspective.
Also, ask open questions to help him to articulate himself fully, and avoid using leading questions that “put words in his mouth.” This gives him the opportunity to add further detail, and to talk about his feelings.
Importantly, don’t fear moments of silence when you listen. Instead, embrace pauses as a way to give him time to finish his point, and to allow him to reflect on what he has said.
Key Points
When you have good listening skills, you not only “hear” what’s being said, you listen to the whole message as well. Because of this, you enable others to express themselves fully.
When you need to listen, make sure that you’re prepared, and that things in your environment will not distract you. Also, do what you can to put people at ease.
Next, use active listening techniques so that you give people your full attention, and look out for the nonverbal elements of their message.
Finally, take your listening skills to the next level with empathic listening. When appropriate, embrace silence and make an effort to see things from other people’s perspectives.
Note:
This assessment has not been validated and is intended for illustrative purposes only. It is just one of many that help you evaluate your abilities in a wide range of important career skills. Click here for other self-tests.
This site teaches you the skills you need for a happy and successful career; and this is just one of many tools and resources that you’ll find here at Mind Tools. Subscribe to our không lấy phí newsletter, or join the Mind Tools Club and really supercharge your career!
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