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We tend to think of communication as just being about expressing ourselves, but thats really only half of it. Its also just as important to know how to listen.

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• So how do you change the way you listen?
• Make good listening second nature

Being able to listen to your partner effectively means youre able to better understand their perspective. It means youre more likely to have constructive conversations where you feel your point of view is being considered. So many misunderstandings in relationships are caused by one or both partners feeling like theyre not being heard. Learning how to be a good listener can do so much to address this.

The challenge, of course, is that its easy to pick up bad listening habits, especially if youve never thought about how to be a good listener in much detail. Here are some of the most common:

So how do you change the way you listen?

Choose the right place and time. Finding a time and a place where youre both relaxed can be a crucial part of communicating effectively. If youre shouting to each other from different rooms, for instance, youre unlikely to properly hear what each other is saying. Its also really hard to listen to someone when theres lots of background noise or other things competing for your attention.

Use your body toàn thân language. Facing towards someone when theyre talking means youre much more likely to focus on what theyre saying than if youre facing away or looking at something else. And if theyre upset, try sitting close to them, putting an arm around them and most importantly maintaining eye contact.

Listen intelligently. Sometimes, people joke about something because its easier than saying it openly. Or they might imply something, but not quite say it outright. They may even say the complete opposite of what they mean.Listening intelligently means looking out for the meaning behind your partners words hearing not just what theyre saying, but what theyre trying to say. Asking open ended questions like what was that like for you? is great way to open up the conversation further, as it will give your partner the chance to explain things in their own words, rather than having words put in their mouth.

Try first to understand, and then be understood. It can be easy to focus more on what youwant to say than on trying to understand your partner’s point of view. But the risk with this is you simply end up waiting for your turn to talk, rather than actually listening. Before you start talking, commit to putting your views and agenda aside.

Avoid judgement. Communication flourishes when theres trust, but flounders when theres judgement or criticism. Being able to listen without making judgemental statements or putting each other down is crucial to building and maintaining trust. Even if what your partner is saying doesnt make sense to you, butting in or picking holes is only likely to hurt them, not convince them. However much youre tempted to insist youre the one in the right or snap at your partner because you feel theyre being unreasonable, try to listen calmly, rather than give in to your emotions.

Show youre listening to what your partner is saying. That doesnt necessarily mean agreeing all the time, but rather making it clear youve understood them – or that you’re trying to understand them. For this, you can employ some specific techniques. These include:

• Mirroring what your partner has said. Repeat it back to them: It sounds like youre saying and that has made you feel.. That way, youre making it clear youre focussed on them, not on yourself.
• Clarify things. Make sure youre getting it right, rather than assuming. The easiest way to do this is simply by checking: Am I understanding you correctly?
• Empathise. Sentences like that must make you feel or it makes sense that given what happened that you would feel like that or I can imagine that would be really hard can be really useful inshowing your partner youre not only listening, but putting yourself in their shoes.

Make good listening second nature

Its worth bearing in mind that listening is a skill, and it takes time to learn. Some of the above wont necessarily feel that natural at first, and it will require persistence and practice before it becomes a habitat. However, if you stick with it, youll find it does get easier.

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